i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I am spending my child support on dildos
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
