Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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