I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
