She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
