I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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