I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
