Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
