Will you blow on my dice?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
