Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
