so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
