summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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