I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
