Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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