While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
