I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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