no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
