Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
