Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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