i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im six kinds of drunk right now
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I could fuck to npr.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
