you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
