So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
