Your face is a jimmy john
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
