Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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