If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
