I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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