you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
