last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Randomize