I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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