Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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