Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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