the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
