I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
