I think I won the penis lottery.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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