I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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