i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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