the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
