The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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