It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Randomize
