i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
