just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
