you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
