I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
