The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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