You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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