meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
