I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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