I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
