saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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