ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
two words: eviction party
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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