Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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