i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
